FOR "DOG PEOPLE" ONLY... (Installment 1)

IF you have ever had a dog you will know exactly what I'm talkin' about here.
Dogs are extremely complex little (or big) animals. At the same time, they're very simple. I tend to look at them as 2 year old humans.
But they don't much progress beyond that.
Think of a 2 year old - generally not so good at listening, or communicating. Potty training, well, a work in progress. Dogs usually do, however, figure the potty training thing out a bit faster than humans. Fearing for their life may be a contributing factor.

Today I spent a couple of hours up on the roof cleaning gutters - one of my favorite things to do here in balmy Michigan in late November. It's right up there with setting my pubic hair on fire.

I came back inside to warm up in the bedroom. Popped on the TV, chillin' for a moment or two, before I went back out to begin work on my snowman catapult for the season.
You see, I live near a major road, and I get jollies out of launching snowmen over the treeline into the road.
You have not lived until you've seen a 6 foot snowman, with a handsome scarf, carrot nose and coal eyes come flying out of nowhere to land in front of your car!!! Don't worry - my wife spots for me, to make sure there are no major accidents on the road. 10 years, no fatalities - a record I'm damn proud of.
Very few snowman catapulters can claim that safety record... (please forgive my pride.)

Okay. The Schnauzer brings his ball in, and promptly lodges it under a cabinet where he cannot retrieve it. Being a stubborn Kraut (like me) he proceeds to moan and groan about it for at least 5 minutes. He's relentless. (Maybe he's "German American", or a "Stubborn Dog of Germanic Descent", or some PC term other than "Kraut", but i don't personally give a shit what or what isn't PC)

NON - DOG PERSON ALERT: I don't care if you have 15,297 other balls in your home - NO OTHER BALL WILL DO. When a dog has it in it's head, it MUST be the ball that is going to be a pain in the ass to retrieve. Just try it - toss another ball - the dog will look at you like you are an idiot.

I say: "You put it in there, ya dumbass, get it out yourself."
A couple more minutes go by, the moaning doesn't stop. So I get up to retrieve the "special and irreplaceable ball."
I say: "Alright ya dumbass, I'll get it for ya."
I get down on my hands and knees to pull it out, and he's not right there as usual! He's just around the corner, peering at me - looking chagrined.
I toss it, and off he goes. All is well.

So, 2 lessons:
1: There is only "the one true ball."
2: My dog now knows what "dumbass"means. I'll have to stop using that derogatory term now.
3: Catapulting snowmen is a lot of fun.

Have a wonderful day -
Steve

"Want To Lose That Belly Fat? 2 fast and easy steps you probably never knew - Just$2.99!""

I'm going to start a website, and begin advertising on various health magazine and weight loss sites. The premise is simple:


PHOTO:
A large, gaseous looking guy planted on the couch, with his belt and/or pants undone. This could also be a woman lying on a bed, trying to SQUEEZE into her pants. Include a warm, furry, canine mammalian pet in the picture, looking sad or dismayed. Perhaps a leash in the canine's mouth.


COPY, OVER PHOTO:
"Have you put on a few holiday pounds?"
"2 FAST AND EASY STEPS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW - JUST $2.99"
"CLICK HERE NOW!!!"


Okay. So, the interested person clicks through, and is presented with a collage of beautiful people that are more attractive and physically fit than, well, just about anyone on planet Earth. They're on the beach, playing tennis, walking the canine, having a romantic, but obviously high calorie meal. Maybe Surf and Turf.
I should probably include some classy, yet unobtrusive music.


COPY OVER PHOTO: (Maybe a smooth voiceover instead)
"What do these incredibly beautiful, sexy, and fit people know that you don't?" 
"CLICK HERE NOW!!!" (You can never have too many exclamation points in these things)


Okay. So, the interested person clicks through, and is presented with a photo of a buffet of unbelievable indulgences. Steak, Lobster, Fettucini Alfredo, Lasagna, etc.  Oh, and Desserts "To Die For", like my own "Brutal Lurching Death By Chocolate ®". Rich coffee drinks with whipped cream sliding ever so seductively down the side of the mug - Wine, Beer, this buffet has it ALL!!!  Probably include some bacon somewhere. Who doesn't like bacon?
(Perhaps a photo collage might be better...)




COPY OVER PHOTO: (Or voice over)
"You CAN have the life you've always wanted to live, and enjoy all of this!!! With these 2 little - known steps, YOU CAN TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE!!! JUST $2.99"
"CLICK HERE!!!"


Okay. So, the interested person clicks through. At this point, it's just about a done deal. BUT WAIT!!!


PHOTO:
A warm family moment - maybe 3 generations opening Christmas presents or something. Of course, they're all beautiful and fit.


COPY OVER PHOTO:
"We here at Weightloss for the Ages want to extend a special, limited time offer to you - if you order this eBook in the next 60 minutes, you can send a free copy to anyone you wish! What could be a better gift for the Holidays?"
"CLICK HERE NOW!!!"


Okay. So, they click through, and enter their email address and credit card info. Done deal. They then receive the eBook, and it has a beautiful opening page, and some necessary mumbo jumbo. I would write a wordy and technical sounding dissertation. It should probably involve at least a half hour of reading, and some catchy slogans. 
And what it all really comes down to - these 2 "little known steps"?:


1. EAT LESS.
2. MOVE AROUND MORE.


And, for just $2.99, everyone's happy. Mostly me, as my bank account explodes.


So.... who would like a copy? Please feel free to send me your money!


Stephen Charles

Ping Pong Balls Should Be Illegal

Yep, that's right, gang.

The FDA, FTC and Treasury Department have, in their infinite wisdom, determined that alcoholic beverages containing caffeine, should be banned - specifically "Four Loko". It is, from what I've gathered, a malt beverage containing the equivalent of 4 beers, and 4 cups of coffee. A true menace to society.

Seems that some dumbass college kids (unusual, but work with me...) overindulged, and either threw up, died, or shot one of their roommates through the chest with a flaming arrow propelled by a 6 foot hickory longbow. Or something.

We all know that kids have NEVER combined alcohol and energy drinks together, and neither have the 8 bazillion campus bars. Vodka and Red Bull, anyone?

A FANCY RESTAURANT, APPROX. 12:05 AM

PENELOPE:  
"James, that was a wonderful meal! The wine went perfectly with the entree. You are a true  connoisseur."

JAMES:
"Yes, Penny, my brilliance truly knows no bounds. Please allow me to loosen my ascot, so I can better appreciate the after dinner coffee. I hear they have a wonderful Costa Rican blend, hand picked by pygmies in the rain forest, untouched by human hands."

WAITRESS: 
"Mr. and Mrs. Addleplankton, it's been wonderful having you again. Would you care to indulge in our 'Brutal Lurching Death By Chocolate' dessert? It's only 1800 calories, with a minimum of 2 days' cholesterol and saturated fat? It's wonderful!

JAMES, LOOSENING HIS ASCOT:
"No, thank you. We would, however, enjoy a cup of the Costa Rican blend."

WAITRESS, VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE:
"I'm.....sorry, Mr. Addleplankton. Perhaps you didn't see the new notice posted on our front door. You and your wife have each consumed 2 glasses of wine this evening, and the new Federal Statute 325.666.375x, section 5247b, stipulates that you cannot have alcohol and caffeine in the same establishment in the same evening, I'm afraid you'll have to go to our coffeeshop, which is conveniently located just a few steps to your right, and down the stairs.

JAMES, VISIBLY RELIEVED:
Why, thank you! I didn't realize the inherent danger. It's nice to know our government is looking out for us! We've only been enjoying coffee after dinner for some 30 years. I think we'll pass on the after dinner coffee. Thank you again, and (winking) thank our government!

And so, Ping Pong Balls Should Be Illegal. I bet you thought I'd never get to the point! You see, college kids play crazy drinking games like beer pong, and that has to have led to some vomiting and / or deaths over the years, no? Perhaps not a flaming arrow through the chest, but our government can't let it get that far out of hand.

I, for one, am glad that as American citizens, we don't really have to be accountable for our own stupidity. Thank you, Big Brother!

WARNING: READING THIS POST MAY LEAD TO EYE FATIGUE. YOUNGSTERS SHOULD NOT READ THIS POST WITH A PLASTIC BAG OVER THEIR HEAD.

Steve

Economics 101 and Soup

I find it interesting that Obama has an issue with China’s “undervalued currency” but has absolutely no understanding of the effect of pumping 600 billion dollars into our economy. I am not an economics genius, ( though I play one on TV ) but a soup analogy is in order.

Nice segue, huh?

Let‘s say it’s a blustery fall afternoon, and you’re making a nice pot of homemade chicken soup. Makes the house smell nice, and warms the tummy. You taste it it, and it seems a bit weak. So, because you’re a soup making genius, you decide the best course is to add more water. Yeah. That’s what any soup making genius would do, right? So, you taste it again, and oddly enough, it seems WEAKER. This is baffling, no? So, once again, as the soup making genius that you are, you add EVEN MORE WATER. When you taste it again, it’s now so weak, it’s hardly edible.

Next course of action? Serve the soup, and blame its weakness on the previous soup maker!

WOW. Maybe I AM a genius! Economics and soup making walk hand in hand!!! Who’da thunk it!

P.S.

The background photo is my apartment in Switzerland, where I spend my lonely summer months, pining away for the beauty and aroma of the ghetto streets in an unnamed American metropolis. More soon-
Stephen Charles

New and Improved

I really can't say I'm improved,  I am new, however, because this is my first post. Toes are cold, and I'm not sure how deep the water is, but please join me on a merry adventure. LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!