Ping Pong Balls Should Be Illegal

Yep, that's right, gang.

The FDA, FTC and Treasury Department have, in their infinite wisdom, determined that alcoholic beverages containing caffeine, should be banned - specifically "Four Loko". It is, from what I've gathered, a malt beverage containing the equivalent of 4 beers, and 4 cups of coffee. A true menace to society.

Seems that some dumbass college kids (unusual, but work with me...) overindulged, and either threw up, died, or shot one of their roommates through the chest with a flaming arrow propelled by a 6 foot hickory longbow. Or something.

We all know that kids have NEVER combined alcohol and energy drinks together, and neither have the 8 bazillion campus bars. Vodka and Red Bull, anyone?

A FANCY RESTAURANT, APPROX. 12:05 AM

PENELOPE:  
"James, that was a wonderful meal! The wine went perfectly with the entree. You are a true  connoisseur."

JAMES:
"Yes, Penny, my brilliance truly knows no bounds. Please allow me to loosen my ascot, so I can better appreciate the after dinner coffee. I hear they have a wonderful Costa Rican blend, hand picked by pygmies in the rain forest, untouched by human hands."

WAITRESS: 
"Mr. and Mrs. Addleplankton, it's been wonderful having you again. Would you care to indulge in our 'Brutal Lurching Death By Chocolate' dessert? It's only 1800 calories, with a minimum of 2 days' cholesterol and saturated fat? It's wonderful!

JAMES, LOOSENING HIS ASCOT:
"No, thank you. We would, however, enjoy a cup of the Costa Rican blend."

WAITRESS, VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE:
"I'm.....sorry, Mr. Addleplankton. Perhaps you didn't see the new notice posted on our front door. You and your wife have each consumed 2 glasses of wine this evening, and the new Federal Statute 325.666.375x, section 5247b, stipulates that you cannot have alcohol and caffeine in the same establishment in the same evening, I'm afraid you'll have to go to our coffeeshop, which is conveniently located just a few steps to your right, and down the stairs.

JAMES, VISIBLY RELIEVED:
Why, thank you! I didn't realize the inherent danger. It's nice to know our government is looking out for us! We've only been enjoying coffee after dinner for some 30 years. I think we'll pass on the after dinner coffee. Thank you again, and (winking) thank our government!

And so, Ping Pong Balls Should Be Illegal. I bet you thought I'd never get to the point! You see, college kids play crazy drinking games like beer pong, and that has to have led to some vomiting and / or deaths over the years, no? Perhaps not a flaming arrow through the chest, but our government can't let it get that far out of hand.

I, for one, am glad that as American citizens, we don't really have to be accountable for our own stupidity. Thank you, Big Brother!

WARNING: READING THIS POST MAY LEAD TO EYE FATIGUE. YOUNGSTERS SHOULD NOT READ THIS POST WITH A PLASTIC BAG OVER THEIR HEAD.

Steve