Oysters fell on my dog's head. "FOR DOG PEOPLE ONLY" (Installment 2)

Yesterday I returned home from running errands for Mom, caulking her tub, etc. to my Loving Wife ( Also known as "The Keeper of the Schedule" ) and highly excited dog, who was obviously thrilled I was back from my ten - year sabbatical. He was all aquiver, talking, grumbling and quivering, tail wagging, with ten years' of stored anticipation,
ANYONE who has ever had a dog knows that their concept of time is somewhat askew. An hour, or three days, and you've been gone forever. It could be as little as ten minutes, depending on what door you left and re-entered by.
After hugging and kissing my Loving Wife, as is my wont, I reached down to play with my dog. His name is Frank. He was "making C's" like crazy. This is when your dog keeps coming at you from varying angles, and continuously circling back on himself. If you look down on his body, he's "Making C's", like the letter C. That's what I call it, anyway.
Sometimes he can be "The Amazing Self - Petting Dog", doing almost all of the work, if you just leave your hands still, fingers wiggling.
SO in the process of all of this, I realize he has some crusty stuff on his head and middle back.
Knowing I had just bathed him a couple of nights ago - (Bathing A Dog - that could be Installment number 3...), I asked my wife, "what happened?".
She sighed.
ANYONE who has ever had a dog knows that if you have the refrigerator door open for any period of time, the dog will appear, from any dimension or space - time - continuum, to stick their shnout in the fridge. "Hmmm... what's going on in here?"
Well, my wife was moving some stuff around in there, getting ready to make some fine food. I had shucked some lovely Kumamoto oysters the night before, and had set aside a few in their liquor with a splash of lemon juice and cocktail sauce in a small bowl.
Well, as luck would have it, they fell out of the fridge, and the bowl hit him on the head. He stood there, stunned for a moment, adorned with oysters, their liquor, lemon juice and cocktail sauce. My wife then proceeded to clean him up as best as she could. She did a fine job.
I just wish she would have taken a picture of him in that state. That would have been classic.

Happy New Year, everyone!
Stephen Charles
P.S. Today's our anniversary and I'm looking forward to many more.

GUESS WHAT - Your life is worth $5.8 million!

My Stepson, Matt, put me on to this. I have a bit more digging to do, but according to the 2008 Federal Register, your ( and everyone else's) life is worth $5.8 million!
I will be fleshing this out more thoroughly in the coming days.
Congratulations!

COMING SOON!!! I will attempt to revolutionize the BLOGOSPHERE!

Sometime shortly after the first of the year, I will make a very special, limited time offer.
It could be stupid, and totally suck.
But I think it's going to be fun.
And since this is my blog, I can pretty much do whatever I want here. Well, as long as it's not illegal...
But with the coming "Net Neutrality", as Shakespeare once said:
"Ya just never know!"
STAY TUNED!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

Steve

I NARROWLY avoided the Death Tax. Believe it or not.

Hang with me gang, this will take a bit of set up...

Back in about 1990, My ex - wife and I spent some time in Manhattan, close to Times Square. We stayed at the Roosevelt Hotel. One night, we were on our way to visit my buddy Mark, who lived in a 4 story walk - up in Hell's Kitchen. Lovely neighborhood at the time.
We stopped on Broadway, as I recall, to get a slice at Sbarro's.
Standing there enjoying our pizza - all of sudden, I hear: POP POP POP!
Gunfire -
Being the Good Samaritan I am, and also the opportunist, I ran towards the sound of gunfire. My ex bolted back to the hotel.
I got to the man, who was down on the sidewalk, bleeding.
I checked his breathing. Nothing.
Pulse - nothing.
I briefly performed CPR, and realized he was a goner. His heart was stopped, he was dead. A crowd started to gather, and I could hear sirens singing in the hot summer night. The cops were on the way.
It's amazing how time slows down, and everything is absorbed:
The bugs buzzing around the streetlight.
The smell of coffee from the cafe across the street, the murmurs of the gathering crowd.
The sweat on the poor man's handsome face, the gray at his temples.
The metallic smell of his life blood, pouring out.
I felt defeated, until I noticed a sizable bulge on his chest. I opened his jacket and pulled out a large envelope, which was full of hundred - dollar bills. Many of them.
I felt good. It would easily pay for the rest of our vacation, and my ex and I would have enough money to dine nicely for the rest our trip, "LIVE LARGE". Sweet!
Maybe I could even buy her a nice trinket or two.
The next morning, I read in the New York Times that the man had been murdered on his way to give his daughter and son - in - law his life's savings to open the restaurant they had always dreamed of. His wife had recently died, and he had enough set aside to carry him through.

I felt bad, for a short while.

Much longer than our government does for doing the same damn thing.
Estate taxes are criminal. Beyond criminal.

Mr. Weiner, Mr. Frank, and your fellow money grubbing government thieves  - What, exactly is your definition of "UNEARNED"? Does the family not sacrifice for everything that the Father or Mother earns? Time away from the family is sacrifice. This is a person's life, that they sacrificed for their family. That WAS A LIFE. DO NOT talk to me about "unearned", you bastards.

CLARIFICATION; 12/25/10: This post, though based on a real incident, apparently didn't make it clear that my taking of the gentleman's money was an analogy of the government essentially picking the pockets of those without a beating heart.
I would never stoop to such a level. I caught a lot of grief from the family last night.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Steve

Stop.
STOP with the class warfare. NOW.

*Whew*

I Like Bacon. But, somehow, I HATE "pork".

I'll keep this short and sweet, gang. Well, short, anyways.
What the hell. WHAT THE HELL. WHATTHEHELLWHATTHEHELLWHATTHEHELL!!!!!
Do our idiot politicians have any clue?
SHIT!!!
No, they don't, except when it comes to enriching themselves. They are, by and large, experts at that.
Earmarks SUCK. You may believe they are a good thing for the state to which they are issued. And maybe, just maybe, they are. BUT-
After just a bit of research, I found a few very disturbing things.
Here's a simple scenario: (All of these names and businesses are fictional)

JOE SMITH, A Senator from Idaho, has an affinity for the state's population of sexually confused, three legged beavers in his state. (Yeah, right.)

LET'S JUST SAY that there is a bill working its way through congress, for, LET'S JUST SAY, an increase for additional monies to take care of our wounded veterans at VA hospitals across the country.

SO, our pal, JOE SMITH, who really doesn't give a fat rat's ass about the military, but portrays himself to be a friend of the military, is going to waffle about the bill, because it doesn't include the proper budget for catheters, or some such crap.

SO, our pal, JOE SMITH, says that he will give his vote if there could maybe, POSSIBLY be some funds included that would grant research funds for the aforementioned three legged beavers. They are sexually confused, too, remember?

STAY WITH ME, PEOPLE.

Here's the earmark:
$250,000 for "Research of the mating patterns of three legged beavers."

The monies are to be granted to the Idaho State College Dept. of Beaver Research, whose department is run by BOB JONES, who is, wonder of wonders, an old drinking buddy of JOE SMITH.

The bill passes, and JOE SMITH receives a campaign contribution of $50,000 from the aforementioned college for his re-election.

WOW! It's elegant, yet blatant bribery.

Aren't earmarks wonderful?

And don't even start with me about what a small percentage of our budget they are. I don't give a shit. Principles still matter. Get rid of earmarks. ALL OF THEM.

Sorry. Not so short, and definitely not sweet.

Hugs n' kisses,

Stephen Charles

OKAY THEN, NOW I'm in a FOUL Humour!!!

Here we go:

What in hell is wrong with the LEFT side? Why are they constantly setting up CLASS WARFARE?
( For what it's worth, I know the answer...) See Karl Marx's 10 planks for revolution:

http://www.laissez-fairerepublic.com/TenPlanks.html

Why is it that they spend so much time demonizing the "Wealthy"? (For what it's worth...) Refer to above.

If you agree with Marx's philosophies, just come clean, already! Let ALL Americans (or me) know where you stand! Don't be a puss.

Here is my take:

"PULL UP THE LADDERS".

I have spent the better part of the last 20 years self - employed. ANYONE who has ever been self employed knows that it is damn near impossible to get to the "magical" 250K.
You sacrifice. And sacrifice. And sacrifice. You go without paychecks, Your employees don't. This is what you do. You are building something for the future, and if it doesn't work, you are left holding the debt, and the bag. Your dream, your failure on the line. Trust me on this. Your employees toddle off to their next opportunity with nary a worry, BECAUSE YOU PUT IT OUT THERE.
If it works, everyone should share in the profits. I believe that. Truly.

Now, think for a moment that you have sacrificed, and sweated bullets, and you finally reached "The Promised Land" of $250K in your pocket. After, let's say 20 years.

Here is where our government steps in, and says : "You have no right to make that kind of money, and if you do, we're going to penalize your success."
It does not matter that you may have provided a very nice living for those who have been along for the ride. Maybe they have had 2.5 children, are living in a nice brick ranch house in middle America, and can afford to have a nice vacation once in awhile.

Pay the PIPER, you SUCKER!
Is there a better way to penalize success that you can think of?
I am truly all ears. Please bring it.

So, "PULL UP THE LADDERS"? Here's what it means to me:
You have ALMOST grabbed the "golden ring"! We cannot have that here in America! There are too many people that have not achieved your level of success, therefore, we have to pull up the ladders - you are NOT allowed here!

Boys and girls, make no mistake, if we continue down this path, it will be the end of the "American Dream".
What in hell is the motivation for reaching for the "Golden Ring" if you are punished when you get there?

Please, people if you oppose my words, bring everything you have, I am confident I will smoke you.

Love always,

Stephen Charles

I'M THINKING OF RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT! Installment 1 (of about 237)

Okay. I'm what you would probably call a "common sense" guy.

A few simple starting principles:


1.)   I LOVE MY COUNTRY.
2.)   I AM SICK OF OUR POLITICIANS APOLOGIZING, WORLDWIDE, ON "OUR" BEHALF.
3.)   THIS COUNTRY HAS BEEN RUN FOR FAR TOO LONG BY SPECIAL INTERESTS, CORPORATIONS, AND / OR UNIONS.
4.)   I AM FULLY AWARE OF THE INJUSTICES WE HAVE COMMITTED AGAINST MANY OF OUR OWN, AND THE OPPORTUNITIES FOR THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN "OPPRESSED" SHOULD NEVER BE LIMITED. THEY SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED.
5.)    AS FAR AS "EQUALITY", ENOUGH ALREADY!
THE CONSTITUTION MAKES CLEAR THAT WE ARE ALL Created EQUAL.
If you have an issue with the concept of creation, please leave now.
EQUAL OUTCOME IS NOT GUARANTEED, NOR SHOUD IT BE. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THOSE EXPLOITING, FOR THEIR OWN PAYCHECK, THOSE WHO FEEL THAT THESE CONCEPTS ARE ONE AND THE SAME. Howdy, MR. SHARPTON! (The term "Reverend" is inappropriate, I feel.) And the "Reverend" Jesse Jackson, same concept. They may be fine men, but they have done nothing but isolate and separate fellow Americans.

Whew! I'll take a breath now. Just getting started.

RULE # 1:
If you graduated from Yale, Harvard, Princeton or any "Ivy League" school, forget it. It's highly unlikely you will be considered for ANY position. I feel that you've spent too much time theorizing about how the REAL United States of America works to have any concept of how it really does.

EXCEPTION # 1:
If you graduated from one of these schools, AND you have started your own business, with no financial investment other than your own, AND reached a comfortable level of success, with at least 10 employees, you may be considered for a position in my administration.

EXCEPTION # 2:
If you have achieved success in a field other than your degree. This indicates an ability to pursue other ventures, and "think out of the box". These candidates will be given special consideration in my administration.

RULE # 2:
If you, or any person in your family, has any previous experience working for a State or Federal Senator or Representative in any capacity, you will most likely not be considered for a position in my administration.

EXCEPTION # 1:
If you have memorized, and can elaborate upon any or all parts of the Constitution of the United States of America or The Declaration of Independence, there may be consideration.

TO BE CONTINUED...

FOR "DOG PEOPLE" ONLY... (Installment 1)

IF you have ever had a dog you will know exactly what I'm talkin' about here.
Dogs are extremely complex little (or big) animals. At the same time, they're very simple. I tend to look at them as 2 year old humans.
But they don't much progress beyond that.
Think of a 2 year old - generally not so good at listening, or communicating. Potty training, well, a work in progress. Dogs usually do, however, figure the potty training thing out a bit faster than humans. Fearing for their life may be a contributing factor.

Today I spent a couple of hours up on the roof cleaning gutters - one of my favorite things to do here in balmy Michigan in late November. It's right up there with setting my pubic hair on fire.

I came back inside to warm up in the bedroom. Popped on the TV, chillin' for a moment or two, before I went back out to begin work on my snowman catapult for the season.
You see, I live near a major road, and I get jollies out of launching snowmen over the treeline into the road.
You have not lived until you've seen a 6 foot snowman, with a handsome scarf, carrot nose and coal eyes come flying out of nowhere to land in front of your car!!! Don't worry - my wife spots for me, to make sure there are no major accidents on the road. 10 years, no fatalities - a record I'm damn proud of.
Very few snowman catapulters can claim that safety record... (please forgive my pride.)

Okay. The Schnauzer brings his ball in, and promptly lodges it under a cabinet where he cannot retrieve it. Being a stubborn Kraut (like me) he proceeds to moan and groan about it for at least 5 minutes. He's relentless. (Maybe he's "German American", or a "Stubborn Dog of Germanic Descent", or some PC term other than "Kraut", but i don't personally give a shit what or what isn't PC)

NON - DOG PERSON ALERT: I don't care if you have 15,297 other balls in your home - NO OTHER BALL WILL DO. When a dog has it in it's head, it MUST be the ball that is going to be a pain in the ass to retrieve. Just try it - toss another ball - the dog will look at you like you are an idiot.

I say: "You put it in there, ya dumbass, get it out yourself."
A couple more minutes go by, the moaning doesn't stop. So I get up to retrieve the "special and irreplaceable ball."
I say: "Alright ya dumbass, I'll get it for ya."
I get down on my hands and knees to pull it out, and he's not right there as usual! He's just around the corner, peering at me - looking chagrined.
I toss it, and off he goes. All is well.

So, 2 lessons:
1: There is only "the one true ball."
2: My dog now knows what "dumbass"means. I'll have to stop using that derogatory term now.
3: Catapulting snowmen is a lot of fun.

Have a wonderful day -
Steve

"Want To Lose That Belly Fat? 2 fast and easy steps you probably never knew - Just$2.99!""

I'm going to start a website, and begin advertising on various health magazine and weight loss sites. The premise is simple:


PHOTO:
A large, gaseous looking guy planted on the couch, with his belt and/or pants undone. This could also be a woman lying on a bed, trying to SQUEEZE into her pants. Include a warm, furry, canine mammalian pet in the picture, looking sad or dismayed. Perhaps a leash in the canine's mouth.


COPY, OVER PHOTO:
"Have you put on a few holiday pounds?"
"2 FAST AND EASY STEPS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW - JUST $2.99"
"CLICK HERE NOW!!!"


Okay. So, the interested person clicks through, and is presented with a collage of beautiful people that are more attractive and physically fit than, well, just about anyone on planet Earth. They're on the beach, playing tennis, walking the canine, having a romantic, but obviously high calorie meal. Maybe Surf and Turf.
I should probably include some classy, yet unobtrusive music.


COPY OVER PHOTO: (Maybe a smooth voiceover instead)
"What do these incredibly beautiful, sexy, and fit people know that you don't?" 
"CLICK HERE NOW!!!" (You can never have too many exclamation points in these things)


Okay. So, the interested person clicks through, and is presented with a photo of a buffet of unbelievable indulgences. Steak, Lobster, Fettucini Alfredo, Lasagna, etc.  Oh, and Desserts "To Die For", like my own "Brutal Lurching Death By Chocolate ®". Rich coffee drinks with whipped cream sliding ever so seductively down the side of the mug - Wine, Beer, this buffet has it ALL!!!  Probably include some bacon somewhere. Who doesn't like bacon?
(Perhaps a photo collage might be better...)




COPY OVER PHOTO: (Or voice over)
"You CAN have the life you've always wanted to live, and enjoy all of this!!! With these 2 little - known steps, YOU CAN TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE!!! JUST $2.99"
"CLICK HERE!!!"


Okay. So, the interested person clicks through. At this point, it's just about a done deal. BUT WAIT!!!


PHOTO:
A warm family moment - maybe 3 generations opening Christmas presents or something. Of course, they're all beautiful and fit.


COPY OVER PHOTO:
"We here at Weightloss for the Ages want to extend a special, limited time offer to you - if you order this eBook in the next 60 minutes, you can send a free copy to anyone you wish! What could be a better gift for the Holidays?"
"CLICK HERE NOW!!!"


Okay. So, they click through, and enter their email address and credit card info. Done deal. They then receive the eBook, and it has a beautiful opening page, and some necessary mumbo jumbo. I would write a wordy and technical sounding dissertation. It should probably involve at least a half hour of reading, and some catchy slogans. 
And what it all really comes down to - these 2 "little known steps"?:


1. EAT LESS.
2. MOVE AROUND MORE.


And, for just $2.99, everyone's happy. Mostly me, as my bank account explodes.


So.... who would like a copy? Please feel free to send me your money!


Stephen Charles

Ping Pong Balls Should Be Illegal

Yep, that's right, gang.

The FDA, FTC and Treasury Department have, in their infinite wisdom, determined that alcoholic beverages containing caffeine, should be banned - specifically "Four Loko". It is, from what I've gathered, a malt beverage containing the equivalent of 4 beers, and 4 cups of coffee. A true menace to society.

Seems that some dumbass college kids (unusual, but work with me...) overindulged, and either threw up, died, or shot one of their roommates through the chest with a flaming arrow propelled by a 6 foot hickory longbow. Or something.

We all know that kids have NEVER combined alcohol and energy drinks together, and neither have the 8 bazillion campus bars. Vodka and Red Bull, anyone?

A FANCY RESTAURANT, APPROX. 12:05 AM

PENELOPE:  
"James, that was a wonderful meal! The wine went perfectly with the entree. You are a true  connoisseur."

JAMES:
"Yes, Penny, my brilliance truly knows no bounds. Please allow me to loosen my ascot, so I can better appreciate the after dinner coffee. I hear they have a wonderful Costa Rican blend, hand picked by pygmies in the rain forest, untouched by human hands."

WAITRESS: 
"Mr. and Mrs. Addleplankton, it's been wonderful having you again. Would you care to indulge in our 'Brutal Lurching Death By Chocolate' dessert? It's only 1800 calories, with a minimum of 2 days' cholesterol and saturated fat? It's wonderful!

JAMES, LOOSENING HIS ASCOT:
"No, thank you. We would, however, enjoy a cup of the Costa Rican blend."

WAITRESS, VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE:
"I'm.....sorry, Mr. Addleplankton. Perhaps you didn't see the new notice posted on our front door. You and your wife have each consumed 2 glasses of wine this evening, and the new Federal Statute 325.666.375x, section 5247b, stipulates that you cannot have alcohol and caffeine in the same establishment in the same evening, I'm afraid you'll have to go to our coffeeshop, which is conveniently located just a few steps to your right, and down the stairs.

JAMES, VISIBLY RELIEVED:
Why, thank you! I didn't realize the inherent danger. It's nice to know our government is looking out for us! We've only been enjoying coffee after dinner for some 30 years. I think we'll pass on the after dinner coffee. Thank you again, and (winking) thank our government!

And so, Ping Pong Balls Should Be Illegal. I bet you thought I'd never get to the point! You see, college kids play crazy drinking games like beer pong, and that has to have led to some vomiting and / or deaths over the years, no? Perhaps not a flaming arrow through the chest, but our government can't let it get that far out of hand.

I, for one, am glad that as American citizens, we don't really have to be accountable for our own stupidity. Thank you, Big Brother!

WARNING: READING THIS POST MAY LEAD TO EYE FATIGUE. YOUNGSTERS SHOULD NOT READ THIS POST WITH A PLASTIC BAG OVER THEIR HEAD.

Steve

Economics 101 and Soup

I find it interesting that Obama has an issue with China’s “undervalued currency” but has absolutely no understanding of the effect of pumping 600 billion dollars into our economy. I am not an economics genius, ( though I play one on TV ) but a soup analogy is in order.

Nice segue, huh?

Let‘s say it’s a blustery fall afternoon, and you’re making a nice pot of homemade chicken soup. Makes the house smell nice, and warms the tummy. You taste it it, and it seems a bit weak. So, because you’re a soup making genius, you decide the best course is to add more water. Yeah. That’s what any soup making genius would do, right? So, you taste it again, and oddly enough, it seems WEAKER. This is baffling, no? So, once again, as the soup making genius that you are, you add EVEN MORE WATER. When you taste it again, it’s now so weak, it’s hardly edible.

Next course of action? Serve the soup, and blame its weakness on the previous soup maker!

WOW. Maybe I AM a genius! Economics and soup making walk hand in hand!!! Who’da thunk it!

P.S.

The background photo is my apartment in Switzerland, where I spend my lonely summer months, pining away for the beauty and aroma of the ghetto streets in an unnamed American metropolis. More soon-
Stephen Charles

New and Improved

I really can't say I'm improved,  I am new, however, because this is my first post. Toes are cold, and I'm not sure how deep the water is, but please join me on a merry adventure. LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!